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Readers' Digest Humor Collection |
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When my sister Betsy was a waitress, she was asked by a customer if she'd
like to meet him after work. She explained that it would be rather late,
but he said that'd be fine and he gave her his phone number: "555-the
Battle of Hastings." After her
shift
was over, Betsy went to the
phone and, forgetting her history, dialed 555-1588 instead of 555-1066. A
groggy
voice answered and my sister exclaimed, "Oh, you're not the
Battle of Hastings!" "Certainly not," the man replied,
"I'm the Spanish Armada."
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My niece, after living in several apartments, found one in the area where
she had
grown up. "The best thing about this apartment," she
said to her sister, "is that it's
within walking distance of the
grocery store." "What grocery store?" her sister asked.
"You know," my niece said.
"Mom's house."
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I am a building contractor and live alone. My daughter gave me a
recipe file containing some of her favorites, and -- knowing my ignorance of
cooking terms -- she had written these instructions for one dish:
"Mix to the consistency of
concrete." The recipe
turned out
perfectly!
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3 |
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During a visit to my parents, my mother began
to quiz me on my current
boyfriends. "Just what kind of man are you interested in?" she
finally asked. I pointed to my father and said, "Like him with a few
minor modifications." Dad
grinned triumphantly. "It's taken me
thirty years to modify that one," Mom responded. "It doesn't
come in a twenty-six-year-old model!"
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5 |
When my son got his first job, he moved into his own apartment. Soon he
was complaining about how difficult it was to pay the rent and
utilities.
"I understand," I murmured. "But how would you know,
Mom?" my son
retorted. "You live at home!"
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After I had
purchased movie tickets for my girlfriend and me, she went
inside to find seats while I got the popcorn. By the time I was served,
the
previews were being shown. I
stumbled my way through the dark, sat
down and gave my girlfriend a kiss. Then I heard a familiar voice say,
"John, I'm
back here."
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6 |
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A
widow, my friend Martha was
dating again at age 62. Once, she was
sitting in a golf cart when her
escort reached over,
patted her leg and
said, "Now I suppose you're going to tell me I can look but don't
touch." "Robert," Martha
quipped, "at my age you can
touch -- but don't look!"
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7 |
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8 |
A young woman in our office received a dozen roses from her
fiancee --
eleven yellow roses and one red. Thinking there was some romantic
symbolism to the single red rose, I asked my secretary what the
arrangement meant. "Well," she replied, "if they were from
my husband, it would mean that the yellow roses were on sale because they
didn't have a full dozen."
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While
chatting with a woman on the bus,
I happened to notice that she was
wearing a key on a
chain around her neck. "What's that?" I
asked. "Oh, this," she replied. "My boyfriend gave it to me
and told me it was the key to his heart." "How sweet!" I
said. "Not really," she answered. "It's the
extra key to
his car."
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When the young waitress in the cafe in my building started
waving hello
every day, I was
flattered. She was at least 15 years younger than I. One
day she waved and
beckoned to me. When I
strolled
over, she asked,
"Are you
single?" "Why, yes," I replied, smiling at
her
broadly. "So is my mom," she said. "Would you like to
meet her?"
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Source: Readers' Digest Humor Collection |
GLOSSARY |
shift:
the time period during which you are at work
(turno)
groggy: confused
(confundida)
grown
up: become an adult
(crecido)
within walking distance: very near
(a un paso)
grocery store: a store where groceries are sold
(almacén, tienda de comestibles)
recipe
file:
file containing directions for cooking
(archivo de recetas)
concrete: building material (cemento)
turned out: proved to be (resultó)
quiz:
test, ask questions
(averiguar, preguntarme)
grinned: smiled
(sonrió)
utilities:
public services
(impuestos y expensas)
retorted: answered back
(respondió rápidamente)
purchased:
bought
(comprado)
previews: advertisements at a cinema
(avances publicitarios)
stumbled: missed a step
(tropecé)
back here: at the back (aquí atrás)
widow:
a woman whose husband is dead
(viuda)
dating: have a relationship with someone
(saliendo en pareja) |
escort: a person who accompanies someone
(acompañante)
patted: chucked, touch playfully someone's body
(acarició, palmeó)
quipped: made a joke
(bromeó)
fiancee:
boyfriend
(novio, prometido)
arrangement: (in this context) bunch of flowers
(arreglo floral)
chatting:
having a chat, talking
(conversando)
I happened to notice: I saw by chance
(observé por casualidad)
chain: a series of links (cadena)
extra key: duplicate key (llave de repuesto)
waving:
moving her hand
(a saludar con la mano)
flattered: praised (adulado, halagado)
beckoned to me: called me with a gesture (me hizo señas)
strolled over: walked towards her
(me acerqué a ella)
single: unmarried
(soltero)
broadly: in a wide fashion
(con una sonrisa amplia) |
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MAS "HUMOR Y CHISTES"
FORO
INICIO |
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