1
The class is studying
astronomy. The teacher points to a photograph, and says:
- Does anyone know what this is? It's a
comet.
- A what?
- A comet, Eddie. Don't you know what a comet is?
- No.
- Don't you know what they call
a star
with a tail?
- Sure. Mickey Mouse.
2
The teacher is asking an
arithmetic question:
- Frank, if you found three dollars in your right pocket
and two dollars in your left pocket, what would you have?
-
I'd
have somebody else's pants on.
3
The teacher is asking a geography question:
- Mary, where is the English Channel?
- I don't know.
We
can't get it on our TV.
4
All the kids were trying to
impress Grandpa, who had come for a visit. Timmy boasted:
I'm first in arithmetic, Grandpa. Sally said she had come
in first in the
spelling bee. Grandpa asked little Billy:
What are you first in, Billy?
Well, I'm
the first one
out the door when the bell rings.
5
The little boy had just
started school. When he returned home the first day, his mother
asked: Billy, what did you learn today? I learned to write. Oh,
what did you write? I don't know. I haven't learned to read yet.
6
The psychiatrist was
asking questions to test his patient. Do you ever hear voices
without knowing who is speaking, or where the voices are
coming from? Yes, sir, I do. And when does this occur? When I
answer the telephone.
7
A doctor had an urgent
call. Can you come immediately, doctor? My little son
has
just swallowed a fountain pen. I'll be there
right
away. What are you doing
in the meantime?
Oh, I'm using a pencil.
8
A man bought a
parrot
that could speak five languages. He paid a thousand dollars for
it. The
pet-shop owner said that he
would deliver
the bird that afternoon. When
the
proud owner got home, he asked his wife if the parrot had
been delivered. She answered, Yes, it has. Where is it? It's in
the
oven. In the oven? But he could speak
five languages! Well, then, why
didn't
he speak up?
9
A man in a restaurant said
to a stranger sitting at the next table,
Do you
realize that you are reading your newspaper
upside
down? Of course I realize it. Do you think it's easy?
10
I used
to snore so loud
I
would wake myself up. What did you do about it? I cured
myself. Oh? How did you do that? Now I sleep in the next room,
and I don't hear a thing.
11
A boy was talking to his
mother:
Gee,
Mom, I'm really glad you named me Albert. Why? Because that's
what all the kids at school call me.
12
After everyone was in bed
the telephone rang. Is this one one one one? No, this is eleven
eleven. Are you sure this isn't one one one one? Yes, I'm sure.
This is eleven eleven. Well, I'm sorry
to
have gotten you up. That's all right. I had to get up
anyway. The phone was ringing.
13
Sam, why are you standing
in front of the
mirror
with your eyes closed? Well, I want to see
what I
look like when I'm asleep.
14
Why can you never
starve
in a desert? Because of
the
sand which is there.
15
Knock, knock. Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey who? Do we have to go to work today?
16
Knock, knock. Who's there?
Justin. Justin who? just an old friend here to see you.
17
Knock, knock. Who's there?
Who. Who who? What are you,
an owl?
18
Knock, knock. Who's there?
Gopher.
Gopher who? Go for a long walk, and don't come back!
